After graduation, the girls stayed at their dad’s house for several days. I had been waiting for them to come so that I could celebrate graduation with my youngest. It wasn’t until my older daughter needed a ride somewhere that I got called. Those days I had been sitting at home, waiting for them to come over were some of the darkest days I have had in recent memory. This past Christmas was my first Christmas without either of them, and we didn’t celebrate the holiday together until several days later. I feel like that’s what I’ve been getting. Several days later. I got Christmas several days later, I got graduation several days later…and not until I had a meltdown.
When I picked up the older one to take her to work, I told her how I was feeling. I said my feelings were hurt, that I was waiting around, not making plans because I kept expecting them to show up. I was disappointed. She felt like she was in trouble and got really quiet.
And that made everything worse. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I wanted exactly the opposite of that. I wanted connection, precious time with my babies before they make the inevitable jump into adulthood and end up living far away and only calling once a month.
So I did what any self-respecting single mom does – I melted down. I started crying, and opening up about what I’m going through. I don’t remember half of what I shared, but I said I was hurt and that I’ve realized that I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t wait around for them to show up because I’m left feeling rejected and emotional. And it’s really not healthy for me to sit around at my house. I work from home, so I’m here all day alone. Spending the evenings alone, waiting for my children to show up and going to bed with that disappointment is incredibly unhealthy.
But there’s so much more than that. And all of it came spilling out. I still feel guilty about leaving their dad, and a lot of my behavior and parental choices have probably found their foundation in that guilt over the past six years. I’m very accommodating, I don’t have many rules, I give them space and let them come to me. I don’t ask too much in return. I guess I felt like if I could make my home a happy place, then they would still love me. And when they choose to stay at their dad’s instead of come to my house when it’s “my” week, I feel like all of that was a waste of time and it just validates my deepest fear – that they don’t love me and they are “choosing” him.
They don’t see the invisible work. The years of traveling for work because someone had to pay the bills. The tuition, the insurance, the tutoring, the endless expenses that quietly became mine. I don’t resent providing for them. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But I resent carrying so much of it alone.
Yeah, all of that came out. Stuff I didn’t even quite know was in there all just came pouring out. It was all fear and pain and resentment and hurt and scarcity.
After I dropped her off, I sent a text to both of them that said, “I want you both to know that it’s been really hard for me to be here alone this week. I know there’s a lot going on and I’m not asking for you to do anything different but I have been hurt and disappointed because I thought you were going to be here this week. I want you both to feel like you can come and go as you please from here this summer, but you also no longer have to do the back and forth. I know it’s super annoying to go back and forth anyway. But I also can’t sit around hoping you will show up, so I’m going to make plans and do my own thing. If you want to hang out, please let me know and we can schedule something. If you’d like me to make dinner once a week or something I can do that too. I love you both so much and want you to be happy. I just need to take care of myself.”
That is definitely an unreasonably long text to send to your children, but I needed to say it.
And lol when we got home, her sister was here and we had a lovely evening together. Lesson learned: sometimes it’s important to acknowledge that you’re hurting.